It's storming

     Do you ever feel like you just want to quit something you started? Well I do, and today it's life. Not in the suicidal way, in the I just don't want to keep doing this anymore way. I know that there are so many worse things that people go through, things that I can't even begin to understand. But right now I feel like what we are going through is more than I can handle and more than I want to .
     I have never been so confused about a part of my life as I am right now. We are facing obstables in every direction of our lives. I just don't know what God is trying to teach us . Everytime I think I am geared up for battle, something new takes my feet out from under me. I don't know if I can continue to get up. I so want to lay in bed and sleep until it all goes away. (I know, clinical depression. I'm ok:)) Life is just hard. I am tired of it being hard and especially tired of it being hard on my children and husband. In the words of Mary Beth Chapman, "God is showing us that our family can do hard." I am in no way comparing our situation to the horrific tragedy they have gone through, but today,our family is doing our version of hard. We are faced with alot of hard decisions ahead. We are faced with fears and anxiety. We are trying so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it just doesn't seem to be there.  I cannot bear to say, God how much more can we take, as I fear the answer. Iwant to go to bed someday soon anticipating the excitement of the next day, not the dread of what's coming.
     Please pray that God will show up in a very literal way for my children and husband. They so need to see and feel his hand in all this. Pray that I will be strong for them. That they will not see my faith waver. I know our God has not forsaken us, sometimes he is silent to teach us how to listen. Today I will praise Him in the storm, because I know He is good. Truly good, even in the toughest of times.

It's all Yours God!

What a difference a day makes! The prayers of Gods people have been heard and are changing our lives. Today I am met with a peace that surpasses all understanding and I am ready to fight! What Satan has meant for evil , God will use for good. " we are afflicted in every way, BUT NOT CRUSHED; perplexed, BUT NOT DRIVEN TO DESPAIR, persecuted, BUT NOT FORSAKEN, struck down, BUT NOT DESTROYED. Always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." II Cor. 4:7-10.

We are standing in our faith that He has a plan for our lives and we vow " in life and death, we belong to Him. It's all Yours God!"

Thank you for your prayers, please keep them coming!

Road blocks

     I know that our God is not a God of confusion, but I am really beginning to be confused. How do you know if God is closing doors or if satan is throwing up road blocks? I am at wits end. Everytime we get one step ahead, we get set back a few steps. After a step forward this morning, we took a million steps back tonight.
     Lord, where are you when we need you most? Why can't we hear you? Does that mean He is speaking to us and we aren't listening? Right now I am doubting everything we are doing. Please pray that God will move a mountain and allow us to see His plan.
     Please pray that we will stay steadfast in His word. That we will not lose sight of the bigger picture. That His will will be done. Pray for our protection during this difficult time.

Child like faith

     The Lord never ceases to amaze me. Our family is facing some issues at home that have really left Mike and I feeling drained and unsure if we are on the right path. Satan has such a way of knowing how to hit us where it hurts. At our deepest fear. I guess that's how we know we are on the right path, right.:) Well after a few hours of us talking, trying to work through this "setback", I start making my rounds to talk to each of the girls about what is going on and tuck them in for the night. As I go to talk to Chels, as usual, she is our rock. I know that is sad that in a family of five, our 17 year old is the one that keeps things in perspective, but it is what it is. Her response was for us to cover it in prayer and consider fasting to hear God's direction in it all. WHAT? My child telling me we should all consider fasting?! What do you say to that? Well of course we are praying about it and we will see where God leads us.
     Well, after that conversation, we were able to fall asleep knowing that God is working in the hearts of each of us.That He is teaching us all strength and understanding during this difficult time. The next day when I came home from work, went to my bathroom to change out of my clothes from the day, I see a notecard on my mirror. It is the verse, "Ask and it shall be given unto you, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened for you." Matt. 7:7 What a nice surprise. I walk downstairs to thank Chels for being a spiritual leader in our home and for encouraging me. She has no idea what I am talking about. I look over and see Morg with a little smile on her face. It was her! She says, "I thought it was fitting for our situation." Really Lord? I don't deserve these children.
     I know it probably sounds aweful that during tough times the kids in the family are encouraging the parents, but sometimes that's just what we need. He knows that my number one concern right now is if my children are going to be ok. If they can handle all that lies ahead for us. If He and we have laid a strong enough foundation to weather the storm brewing. So when I say the Lord amazes me, this is what I mean. He meets us right where we are. He has shown me that He is in charge of our family in every way. He is mighty, in deed, and His love is amazing.

None but Jesus

     In the past few days I have become aware of the implications of having a blog. Starting this was not something I really wanted to do, but as I have stated, I felt like God has led me to share my struggles in order to help others with theirs. Please know that in my sharing I am in no way trying to glorify myself, have a pity party or to make you aware that I am in over my head. As a woman :) sometimes I just need to process things through talking, and you happen to be my captive audience. I am amazed by what God is teaching me about myself through this, things that have nothing to do with foster care or adoption. Things that are just showing me that all that matters in the end is Him. If I come across a little crazy, emotional , and overwhelmed, well I am. That's just me. Always. You just now know what my husband has known for years:) In the wise words of an "idol", "a little bit of crazy can change the world". That's what I am hoping for.

     Today in worship, we sang a song I have known for years. But today I sang it in a new way. Hope this touches you today.

                 In the quiet, in the stillness, I know that you are God.
                 In the secret of your presence, I know there I am restored.
                 When you call, I won't refuse. Each new day again I'll choose.

                 There is no one else for me. None but Jesus.
                 Crucified to set me free. Now I live to bring him praise.

                In the chaos and confusion, I know You're sovereign still.'
                In the moment of my weakness, you give me grace to do your will.
                When you call, I won't delay. This my song through all my days.

                There is no one else for me. None but Jesus.
                Crucified to set me free. Now I live to bring him praise.

                All my delight is in you Lord. All of my hope, all of my strength.
                All my delight is in you Lord, forevermore.

               ( None but Jesus, Brooke Fraser)

Life as we know it

I remember when I was pregnant , excited about what our new life would be like, the fun that lay ahead, the memories we would make. Then in the third trimester realizing WHAT our new life would be , the not so fun that lay ahead and if I would have any memory once that baby came out of you know where! The reality sinks in that there is no going back now, that life as we know it will no longer exist. The knowledge that you would never want to change the course of this new life, but the fear of the unknown. Well, guess what is plaguing me today? The foulest four letter F word, FEAR. Not the regular fear I have been having but the fear of change. Will I be able to spend the time with my girls that I am able to now? Will I be able to help them study when they need the extra help? Will I be able to go on dates with my hubby? Will this put a strain on our family that will pull us apart? The questions go on and on. I will tell you that there is no going back now, but I wish I could freeze my beloved family in time and perfectly place a new little one in our midst. Of course this is not how life works, and quite honestly it breaks my heart. As deeply as I want to love on a little one, I want to love on my "big ones" as I have for so long. Tonight I have no words of inspiration to share as I am in the midst of a new type of grieving. Please pray for my girls. Pray that this experience changes them to the core. That it gives them a heart for others. That they will live out their lives to care for others in His name. That this time in their lives will be positive and that they will feel deeply loved every day. Please pray for my marriage that this will draw us closer not far apart. That we will grow together in Him as we raise this family. That we will follow His purpose for our lives and our family. Pray that I will not give in to the sin of fear.

One more thing!

     I just wanted to mention a little boy that has been placed in our hearts for months now. His name is Matthew. He is about 21 months old and living with a wonderful foster family. Unfortunatly it looks like he will not be able to stay with this family permanatly. This is the only family he has known. He will possibly be reunited with his birth mother or put up for adoption. Our heart breaks for what this little guys heart will be going through. Please pray that God will prepare his heart and mind for this transition and that he will be placed in the home that is best for him. As a mother, this is one of the saddest things I can imagine for a sweet baby who has no understanding of what is happening. We know that scripture says He holds us in the palm of His hand. Pray that he feels Gods peace and comfort during this time.

Patience it is!

     Well, I think I have figured out one of the things God is trying to teach me right now. Patience. As many of you know, that's not my strong suit. Which is quite interesting if you know my parents. They just might be the most patient people alive. Don't know how I missed that gene, but boy I wished I hadn't. I would  classify myself as a laid back type A personality:) I know, I know, those are polar opposites. But.... that's me. At times I can be very go with the flow with no opinion what so ever and all of the rest of the time I like things done on time and in a timely manner. Everything in it's place and a place for everything. Seems like the older I get the more I am the latter. So... that brings me to the current situation. Yesterday was supposed to be our final meeting with our case worker and finalize all paper work etc. Without going into detail, that did not happen. There is more paper work and finalizing to happen that is out of our control. So it looks like we will continue to wait. I have been told by many people during this process that God is teaching us lessons, but why oh why do I have to be patient when there are so many children waiting for families? (That's what I tell myself of course) As I sit here and type, I see on my bedside table, a reminder scripture taped to my lamp."Be still and know that I am God". Moments like now are exactly why I have it taped to my lamp. I need to rest in Him. So many nights I am unable to rest. So many nights I need to rest in Him. He calls us to come to Him when we are burdened, and He will give us rest. Why am I so stubbon in learning? He is the only one who knows the plans He has for me. So I will rest tonight knowing that  He is God, and be thankful that He is patient with me.

Making peace

    Have you ever wandered why we say we are making peace with something? My guess is because it is speaking of something that we have to choose to make happen. That it is not a peace given by someone else or felt on its own, but that we have made a conscious effort to be at peace. Well, today I think I will do that.
     While in the car, as I am so often, I began really thinking about this journey we have been on with our local county in the adoption process. So many times I have wanted to ask for money so that I could just use a private agency. An agency that truly puts the childs needs first, an agency that can provide permanant placement right off the bat , and an agency that I can have some control over. BUT, today I finally made peace with our decision. Not because I have accepted all that they believe in,not because I have accepted the fact that we cant afford a private agency, but because I believe it is exactly where God wants us to be. Everything about this agency scares me. From the fact that most children in this system are coming from very broken families, down to the fact that fostering is a really real possibility for us. But today once again , I was reminded that this journey IS NOT ABOUT ME! This journey is about the least of these. We came into this to help a child, not ourselves. I am willingly accepting this assignment. I know what that means. I know the likely pain I will have to experience. I know it will be a real strain on all our lives. But I also know that HE has given this assignment and he knows what the outcome will be. He knows what we can handle and what a child needs from us. I pray that I will show up for the task given. That I will not wallow in self pity, that I will remember the goal. Because I know that he will remember my goal and will grant my hearts desire in His time. Tonight I will rest knowing that He has given me a peace beyond all understanding and that I will daily choose to accept it.

Faithful? Yes He is.

     One thing I have learned on this adoption journey is that the road at times is quite lonely. I am amazed by how many people have such strong opinions and have such little interest at the same time. I am dumbfounded daily by the gloom and doom stories people like to share. For every one successful adoption story , 9 disturbing adoption stories follow. I guess it's no different than every woman giving their birthing story when you are pregnant. The problem is, I already know the bad stories, and those are the ones that consume my thoughts. Everyone knows someone who has lost an adoptive child or watched an adoptive child fall away from the adoptive family. At some point I really hope the story I get to tell people doesn't even have to include the word adoptive. I want to refer to this new life in our lives as OUR child , that we are their parents, that we are just the parents God intended for this child and that we are a normal family. I am so ready for THAT title!
     On so many occassions I have wanted to convince people not to worry, that I do enough of that on my own. That I really don't need anything else to think of or research, but in the end, I just carry it in my mind and never tell them how it makes me feel. One true blessing I have found unexpectedly through this is the "family" of support I do have. Now of coarse I do have my immediate family of support, as the five of us are beyond excited, but I also have a circle of friends that have come beside me in life and are carrying the burden with me. I do truly believe that He will give us the desires of our hearts, that he is strong when I am weak, that He honors the prayers of His people, and that His ways are better than my ways. BUT.... somedays, I just can't bear to udder a prayer of help and support. Sometimes just letting those words form in my head is just too difficult to think about. And on those days, boy does He show up. Today was one of those days. I received so many messages from friends today, lifting us up in prayer. What an amazing feeling to know that they are going before me , in my weakness, and asking for what I can't seem to ask on my own. No one ever truly knows the power of their words both to God and others. I wish I could put into words my gratefulness to these friends. To truly show my appreciation for their willingness to stand in the gap for me. I feel unworthy of the life God has given me the honor of living. Today I choose to believe in His faithfulness. He has shown me time and time again that he always shows up. Not always in the ways we are looking for, but if we really look, He is there.                                                                                                 I pray that each day I will  seriously consider the impact and opportunity I have to touch others lives. God is teaching me to meet people right where they are in life. That it is my responsibility. To lift my loved ones up in prayer daily and to leave the rest to Him. As much as I struggle with these lessons in life, I know my teacher has my best interest in mind and that He sees the picture much clearer than I can . So for now, I will wait and learn. His will above all else.

What am I doing?

     Seriously, I cannot believe I am a blogger. What does that even mean? I barely know how to use a computer, so don't expect me to post pictures, videos, or anything cool. It's not going to happen! I currently have so much going on in my life and mind that I find the need to just write. It seems to be my best form of communication and no one has to listen to me if they don't want to:) So..... here goes, blog #1!
     My husband and I decided about 5 months ago to adopt.( Might I add it's been about 10 years in the making) Due to many reasons, we have decided to adopt domestically and to use our local county as our agency. Lets just say, it's not the easiest road to travel.
     When we began this journey we were driven by the overwhelming desire to provide a home to a child who would otherwise not have one. We know that God has placed this desire in our hearts and we want to openly accept any child that he provides. That is still our hearts desire, but living this out has begun to take a toll on my spiritual intent. I have become the person I did not want to be in this process. The deeper we get into the process, the more I want to control the outcome. I desperatly want this to end in the way I design it. I want a placement that will be permanant. I don't want to have to foster in order for that to occur. I want it to happen today, not tomorrow. I want control of all aspects of this process, not none. I want security not instability in our lives. I want my will, not God's.
     Why do I constantly become a controlling human being, convinced that I know what is best for me, that my will is above all else. Why do I choose me over HIM! Why does He continue to provide grace to me when I continue to give Him little in return? BECAUSE... I am a flawed human in need of a perfect God. Someone who loves me unconditionally no matter how many times I fail Him. Someone who knows my heart, knows my need for His will. So at the end of the day, I once again have to recommit myself to His will for my life, no matter what the outcome. No matter if His will is for me to live a life I have not planned for. That my life is not about me, but Him. That it is time for me to leave my comfortable life and live intentionally for Him.