What am I doing?

     Seriously, I cannot believe I am a blogger. What does that even mean? I barely know how to use a computer, so don't expect me to post pictures, videos, or anything cool. It's not going to happen! I currently have so much going on in my life and mind that I find the need to just write. It seems to be my best form of communication and no one has to listen to me if they don't want to:) So..... here goes, blog #1!
     My husband and I decided about 5 months ago to adopt.( Might I add it's been about 10 years in the making) Due to many reasons, we have decided to adopt domestically and to use our local county as our agency. Lets just say, it's not the easiest road to travel.
     When we began this journey we were driven by the overwhelming desire to provide a home to a child who would otherwise not have one. We know that God has placed this desire in our hearts and we want to openly accept any child that he provides. That is still our hearts desire, but living this out has begun to take a toll on my spiritual intent. I have become the person I did not want to be in this process. The deeper we get into the process, the more I want to control the outcome. I desperatly want this to end in the way I design it. I want a placement that will be permanant. I don't want to have to foster in order for that to occur. I want it to happen today, not tomorrow. I want control of all aspects of this process, not none. I want security not instability in our lives. I want my will, not God's.
     Why do I constantly become a controlling human being, convinced that I know what is best for me, that my will is above all else. Why do I choose me over HIM! Why does He continue to provide grace to me when I continue to give Him little in return? BECAUSE... I am a flawed human in need of a perfect God. Someone who loves me unconditionally no matter how many times I fail Him. Someone who knows my heart, knows my need for His will. So at the end of the day, I once again have to recommit myself to His will for my life, no matter what the outcome. No matter if His will is for me to live a life I have not planned for. That my life is not about me, but Him. That it is time for me to leave my comfortable life and live intentionally for Him.